To my daycare teachers,
It was a very long time ago, but I still remember clearly. I remember that you were always so impressed by what the other kids did – digging tunnels in the sandpit, using the water paints to paint the play equipment, sleeping in funny positions at nap time… I remember how affectionate you were towards the other kids. I also remember how, whenever I tried to gain your approval by doing any of the above mentioned, I would get snapped at, disapproving looks or just plain ignored. How do you think that would make a kid feel?
Regards.
To my kindergarten teacher,
Although I was of above average intelligence – I could read, write and draw well beyond second grade level – you never took time to actually praise me. Instead, you focused on calling me out for things I had no idea were inappropriate. You would make a big scene in front of the entire class and I would feel ashamed and embarrassed. It took me nearly 15 years to be able to participate in a group situation without having a panic attack.
Regards.
To my year 4/5 teacher,
You made me feel embarrassed in front of the entire class. When you asked me how many people I had in my group, I responded that we had a threesome. The word ‘threesome’ refers to a group of three people. Your uneducated mind took it to mean that I was talking about a group of three people having sex. You laughed and said, “I don’t think that’s the right word,” causing the entire class to erupt into laughter and me to glow bright red and get all teary eyed. It’s humiliating to be laughed at like that, especially when everyone takes the word of an adult over the word of a 10 year old. I had no chance at defending myself.
Regards.
To the teenage son of my after school carer,
You were definitely sick. I don’t even know where to start. I feel dirty even thinking about you. I used to dread the times when the adults would leave the room when you were there. Your musky smell and creeping fingers still haunt my mind sometimes, even though I’ve tried very hard to block you out. I hope you’re in jail somewhere, so you can’t do anymore what you did to me.
Regards.
To my neighbours when I was 10,
You were assholes. You used to gather groups of neighbourhood kids together, with the sole purpose of making at least one other kids’ life misery. Often, your target was me. I climbed a tree at the park once. You two, plus a group of your followers, decided to climb up after me. You wouldn’t let me down, but kept telling me to move out of your way. In the end, I decided to jump, rather than risk being pushed. It hurt, and, as I limped home crying, you all climbed down from the tree to pursue me and call me a cry baby.
Regards.
To the dux of my primary school,
You were an intelligent, but selfish person. You were always able to manipulate people to get what you wanted. That included me. I’m ashamed to say that you got me to do your bidding on more than one occasion. When you received the dux award over me, you placed your hands up in a gesture of, “what other outcome could there be,” and exclaimed loudly, “of course!” That was the moment I decided I didn’t like you. Even though I had been a frequent target of your nastiness, taunting and teasing, that was the moment.
Regards.
To my on again, off again bully,
I never knew what to expect from you. In year 8, you used to pitch tennis balls at me with all your might, whenever one strayed your way. I don’t know what I did to deserve that, but, after a solid 6 months of it, I do know you deserved the beating I gave you when I finally snapped. Jump forward a few years and we were past that. Friends even. Again, something changed. Again, I don’t know what. Suddenly, nobody was allowed to talk to me because you said so. If I tried to initiate a conversation with somebody, you would jump over the top and start talking to them. Or you’d ask them to go help you with something. It sucked. It was lonely. But thanks to you, I found better friends. Jump ahead another couple of years. I was driving around town one night and noticed you sitting by yourself on the post office stairs. You were drunk, vomiting and had nobody to call. I could’ve kept driving, but I didn’t. I stopped and took you home because that’s what a decent human being does.
Regards.
To my cliquey supervisor,
When I refused to join in on your cliquey shit in the workplace, you made my life living hell. I chose instead to get my job done and take on more work, to keep me busy. You would constantly check on me, making sure I wasn’t using Facebook or the internet for things other than work, yet would leave the rest of the team alone, even though they blatantly were doing nothing. You forbade me to associate with other divisions within our work area. You had it out for me, then wondered why I was so blunt during our encounters. You stuck a sign up, so you could see it when you looked at me, about rudeness being a weak persons defence. Well, perhaps you should have pointed it towards yourself. As you sat at your meeting table, pencil in hand, staring out the window for hours on end, I carried your team – the team you were supposed to manage. I did all the work that they refused to do, on top of my own work. But there was no thanks, just signs pinned up about how rude I was.
Regards.
To the bloke who runs that shitty division,
I won that job based on my experience and knowledge. You overturned the panel decision because your mate’s wife, who had no knowledge or experience, wanted a job. You fucked up there, because she’s about as useful as tits on a bull. Any wonder your division is going to shit.
Regards.
To the lady who was too old to be managed by me,
Just because I was younger than you, does not give you the right to be disrespectful. I earned that job by working hard and gaining a reputation as a trustworthy employee. You were never able to prove such a thing, hence being stuck at a lower level. This was my first role as a team leader and I employed you. I explained that your role would be to mostly collaborate documents and paperwork for me to process. To then flat out refuse to do these things and then say to others that you don’t like being told what to do by somebody younger than your daughter, made me look incapable. My workload began to back up and I had an officer doing nothing. I’m glad you eventually said what you felt then left. I only wish it had been while I still worked there.
Regards.
To the black and white bear that won’t employ me,
My many attempts at applying for higher paying jobs, which I desperately need to live, have all been knocked back by you for one reason or another. Only once has it been because of a merit based selection. Twice, you’ve omitted my applications because it was too hard for you to include them. Every time I sought feedback from you, you’ve sidestepped the request. Also, it’s perfectly ok for you not to give me a job or feedback and to tell your staff members to come to me for any administrative assistance? Not happening. That lady that was employed by the bloke from that shitty division should be able to assist. After all, that’s what she was employed to do.
Regards.
To all the people fed by the silver spoon,
Fuck you all. You get these promotions because you’re best mates with the boss. You don’t even need the money as badly as I do. You screw up my life by pushing my mum out of her job, to make room for yourselves, causing her to leave town and me being left to fend for myself with my financial difficulties. I find it extremely irritating when you start complaining when something doesn’t go your way. You get handed everything else in life, don’t expect any sympathy from me. I’ve actually had to work for what I have, and that’s not a whole lot. I could do these jobs better than most of you, but I lack that one qualification – friends in high places.
Regards.
To my friends,
When you say that you’re too busy to catch up, but have time to visit each other, that hurts. When I try to organise one on one meetings so we can catch up, but you invite everyone and talk about the fun you all had when you were too busy, that also hurts. When you say that we need to catch up and never follow through, despite my best efforts, that hurts. You wonder why I’m so antisocial. It’s because I’m sick of being hurt by the people who are supposed to care about me. I have nobody to turn to when all I need is to have a cry, vent and a hug. You’re only available when it’s convenient for you. Do you understand how lonely that is?
Regards.
To mum,
You’ve made me feel like a lesser being pretty much my whole life. My sisters received your positive attention, while I was always the target of your criticism and general nastiness. While I did well in school, never got into trouble, stayed away from drugs and alcohol and from teenage sex, my sisters did quite the opposite. One of them had her first kid at 15 years old. The other ran away to her boyfriend’s house at 16 and is now a drug addict. At least I finished high school, as difficult as it was. Please explain to me why I was the disappointment. Why you always called me the bitch. Why, even though I’ve held down work since I was 16 and have a record of repaying debts, I’m always the last to receive help from you when I need it. I feel like I’ve never actually had a mum – at least, not one who cares about me in a motherly way.
Regards.
To the woman I love,
I hate you for making me love you and for not loving me back.
Regards.
To anyone else who has ever laughed at me, called me names, ignored me, avoided me, treated me like shit or otherwise,
You are all part of the reason I have no self esteem. I feel worthless and I feel that nobody even cares that I feel like that. So fuck you all.
Regards.
Silent Screams 